July 5: Steam Room

Ben, from last week, is in my yoga class.

“See you downstairs!” he says as I head out. Fuck. 

Ben thinks of the steam room as his cheeky chance to build rapport with me. I must nip this problem in the bud.

The sauna is closed today and the steam room is very crowded. Twelve of us huddle together in the mist.

Two men talk loudly by the door about the merits of sauna vs. steam room.

“The sauna is better for you,” the man says. “If you’re getting a cold then go into the sauna with a lot of water and a shot of whiskey with some lemon and honey in it. Then you stay in there for at least an hour. You’ll be fine. But if you come in to the steam room and you’re about to have a cold then you’ll be sick for weeks. The wetness of the steam room will make you sick.”

Humm. The No Talking rule for the steam room reminds me of the No Smoking Marijuana rule for the USA. While it’s technically on the books, no one gives a damn or pays it any mind. It’s only still in place because of strong lobbyist support.

If I were the steam room dictator there would be silence. 

Ben comes in and finds me through the mist. He encroaches my already cramped personal space further.

“Was it just me or was everyone sweating a lot during that yoga class! Great class!” Ben says. Fuck him. No respect for the rules.

“Thanks. Awesome,” I smile in a tight, little way that hopefully will let Ben know that that was the extent of the conversation. 

“So, yeah, yoga is really good for you to do all of the time,” Ben says. I nod almost imperceptivity then adjust my body language, bringing my knee up next to my torso then resting my bent arm on the leg – a wall of limbs. I stare doggedly ahead.

“Right, isn’t it a great workout?” Tenacious bastard.

“Yup.” Ben doesn’t talk anymore, but I’m forced to maintain my fuck off body language or else invite further conversation. He's poised, ready to pounce. A person leaves to my left, and I adjust away from Ben towards the open space.

While last week, I didn’t count our conversation as breaking the “no hitting on people in the steam room rule,” this week it can’t be interpreted as anything else. I hate him. He’s ruining sauna "me time."  

When I leave, I stand quickly and walk out without saying goodbye to Ben. 

He follows me out.

“Bye Leah!” he yells after me as I enter the women’s locker room.

There’s a much smaller sauna in the women’s locker room. I enter.

Two young girls squawk loudly about clothes, hair, and heels. I can’t win today. We watch an old naked woman shower with the stall door open.

"Why do old people shower with the stall door open?" one of the girls asks.

When I'm old, I'm going to shower with the stall door open too, I decide. That way, the young girls in the sauna will be forced to watch my naked body being sprayed with water while they sweat. Actually, why wait until I'm old? I could begin this very day! This momentous naked day! That old woman has amazing breasts. I hope my breasts are still that bodacious when I'm her age.

Time: 19 minutes